the search for self…

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© photo by michelle bryant

today i am feeling a bit melancholy. perhaps i should have never started “blogging” as it allows mi yet another creative venue to express myself in a passionate way that i adore and one that is equally therapeutic.. writing! i LOVE to write almost as much as i love to shoot. i actually write MORE than i shoot. (truthfully, i think thats what keeps mi sane). i write to live. time after time, day after day, pen in hand i sit and i write – something. often words of heartfelt feelings & emotions, of dreams, desires, passions & loves. seeking, searching, for answers, for myself. often trying to fill a void of endless emptiness, rationalize broken promises, heal another scorched heart or reach for some unfulfilled dream. all this writing does is simply expose the soft inside that is so nicely protected around the wall of my heart to the reader that i have chosen to share it with. so why do i subject myself to such bafflement? therapy i think. maybe something to pass the time once in awhile. perhaps looking for some hope in humanity as well. but it is all a way to provide a sense of order and meaning to, a process to keep my thoughts from clouding my mind and making my head rattle with emotions and chaos that i may not be able to contain within my one being.

for as i write – i still believe. i keep hope alive and that keeps mi alive. (and) so through my writing – i live. in hopes that one day- i also might love – truly make a difference, find some meaning to it all and perhaps leave a legacy the world has yet to know.

i just turned fifty in july and as i am looking at myself in the mirror i am wondering, ” wow! how did that happen?” so much life has passed mi by so quickly. i really dont feel fifty. well, most days. other days i feel eighty. but when i think about the fact that i truly only have about another twenty or thirty good years left on this planet it overwhelms mi. i have so much yet to do, to be. its not that i have a “bucket list” of places to see or go before i go but moreso, THINGS to do, to be within the mi that’s mi.

my life has passed mi by and i have not fallen truly in love with a man that i can wake up next to every morning and know i have not only loved him in a rich, passionate and meaningful way but lived life with him in a rich, passionate and meaningful way as well. i look back on the people i have known in my life and i wonder, have i even made a difference in their lives, in who they are? not just loved ones but the waitress at the diner, the walmart cashier that i see every week, the alcoholic boss who is grumpy every day, the crass co-worker that tells off-color jokes, the child at my son’s school that has some discipline problems and is always in trouble, the nosy neighbor or better yet the one whose dog keeps pooping in my yard? did i tell any of them that Jesus loved them and died for them? did i hate when i should of forgiven? was i so self-seeking that no one will remember mi for being generous and kind and loving? or will they remember mi at all when they hear that i have left this earth?

the sun rises and sets everyday whether we do or not and yet as people we take that so for granted. we get in our cars and go to our jobs and gossip about our coworkers. we lie to others in our life and even to ourselves sometimes and yet we justify it all. we KNOW that life is precious, that everyday is a blessing and we still cause others to cry needlessly and dont apologize, or worry about being right in an argument, or validate our unforgiveness when someone has done us wrong. we just keep on keeping on with more of the same. so as i ponder on all the things i wish i could have done differently i’ll ask you the same question im asking myself. “if you knew you only had today to make a difference in this life, what would you do?” we are not promised tomorrow.

for mi, as i look in the mirror, i see the lines getting deeper and the days getting shorter and i know that i might leave this earth having never been hopelessly in love but i have set myself upon a quest to prove from this day forward, to everyone who knows mi that they are hopelessly loved – by mi.

© michelle bryant

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