© photo by michelle bryant
Not too long ago my Facebook status changed from married to single and although the situation is one I am still dealing with on a daily basis as best one can be expected, it is still difficult to get used to eating alone and coming home to no one day after day. Although I try to keep myself busy in this small community of which I know very few people, loneliness does creep its ugly head quite often… especially in the evening time. “Oh, to have someone…to ask, “how was your day?” when I walk in the door or to eat a meal with and oh, if I could just get a hug or a dance…well, that would be ideal. And then my mind would start to wander and I ended up so lonely and depressed and felt so hopeless and alone that I was barely going through the motions of living, feeling worthless to even try.
So, I joined this group, volunteered for that organization, worked extra hours and put a personals profile on several Internet dating sites. I set out looking for love.. but in all the wrong places I might add. I wanted to be loved so badly and to me, it seemed my life was over and I was convinced I would never love or be loved again and that I would die alone. I went from one meaningless, superficial relationship to another searching for someone, anyone to fill the empty hole of loneliness I carried around like a beacon, only to leave me wounded, hurt and even more isolated.
Then, one day it all changed and I woke up. Not literally mind you. It’s not like I was having a bad dream but yet I was. For you see, I am still single and I am still lonesome but that day I finally realized that I was not alone, that I was not unloved or unlovable. It hit me like a club over the head that I was NEVER alone and never will be and that I most certainly…am loved.
Music is salve for the soul and for me it all happened that day with a song. An acoustic, live version of the childhood song “Jesus loves me…this I know. Yes, Jesus loves me, yes, Jesus loves me.” Even though I always knew He loved me, in my own self-pity, I couldn’t feel him. But I was learning through this song that He loves me now 100% and he’s not going to love me more when I get any better. Thank goodness his love never fails even though sometimes I do. And as I sat there wrapped in the warmth of the love that this song brought to me, my mind wandered again and I asked him “what have I done to deserve a love like yours?” I began to imagine that if he gave me only a small portion of his love I’d likely explode due to its magnitude and I got so carried away in the thought.
Jesus showed up and revealed his love for me in that small childhood song that day. It truly brought me to my knees. Jer. 31:13 says: The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I look back on that lonely, downtrodden point in my life and I have to ask myself why? Why was I looking for love when it was right there all along? Why was I searching as if what He was offering wasn’t enough? It’s like spitting on a gift and giving it back.
The club God used that day to tenderly hit me over the head with by offering that song made me realize that I am created for a purpose and He has fully equipped me for that purpose, that my life has meaning and worth, that I am special to him.
Yes, my life is different now and unfortunate, and my daily Facebook status changes drastically according to my moods. But what helps me get through those lonely days and nights is that God has a plan for me and that it is for my good (I know it is much better than anything I could muster up), that he will never leave me (Heb 13:5) and that no matter what…Jesus loves me…this I KNOW!
© michelle bryant